i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
