i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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