I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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