Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
