I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
