Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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