it's too hot outside to masturbate.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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