What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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