My friends, they love my intelligence
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
