I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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