I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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