I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
