It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
i think i have two assholes
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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