i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize