dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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