I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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