Ambien. No doubt about it.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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