my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize