my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
