Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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