Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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