Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
