So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
