just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
