I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
