I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
