Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
