i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
