can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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