my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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