Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
