Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
