I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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