Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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