dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Randomize
