So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Randomize