So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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