I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
