I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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