I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
