I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
