Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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