I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
