when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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