you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
