just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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