i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
