When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
