im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
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