Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
