Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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