Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
