So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Randomize
