I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
