Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
