So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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