I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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