She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
