My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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