dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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