so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
